Caffeine

This afternoon, my mother called to tell me something very important: my dad accidentally spiked her coffee ... with caffeine.

This is a MAJOR event.

We have a very reverent fear of caffeine in our family. It works on us like amphetamines in the bloodstreams of spider monkeys.

For about 40 years, my parents have eschewed caffeine. They drank Sanka before the decaf option became well-known. Every restaurant order is punctuated at beginning and end with "DECAF, please." And then when the server comes to warm up the coffee, she may be asked again, "That IS decaf, right?"

But a couple of years ago, along came Dr. Oz. You know, the famous Mehmet Oz of Oprah. The other Gayle.

And we (my parents) believe in Dr. Oz. Oh yes we do.

Lately, Dr. Oz has been touting the benefits of caffeine. Normally, someone spewing this kind of nonsense would be blackballed from my parents' TV.

But this is Dr. Oz.

So my mom called me to tell me that they bought a coffee maker and some REAL coffee.

Frankly, I thought I was talking to someone else's mom for a minute.

She gave my dad strict instructions that went something like this: "We will try a half cup in the morning only. Half real, half decaf. In the morning."

Dad washed the new machine and set it up to go. This afternoon they had coffee, which my DAD fixed. And you guessed it--he opened the real coffee and drugged my mom.

She said, "NORRRRRmally, whenIhavecaffeineIjusttalkandtalkandtalk. Doesn't seemtobedoingthat to me today."

Uh, it was doing that today.

So they are all prepared with their Tylenol PM for tonight because otherwise, they will be like owls all night. Both of them. And then I will get a recap phone call tomorrow about "the night no one slept." I think Dr. Oz should take the call.

Does caffeine affect you?