Seven Sad, Sad, Sad Christmas Songs. You're Welcome.

I know ... you're going to think I'm hard and crass when you read this post, so if you're not in the mood for Christmas song tongue in cheek humor (satire alert!) click away. I understand.

OK, for those who remain:

It's the most wonderful time of the year ... for some people. Other people, not so much. Here is my tribute, which I thought was an original, creative idea until I Googled it of course, to the saddest songs of the happy Christmas season. Enjoy.

Or suffer, whichever you prefer.

7. Last Christmas - WHAM! Because what is a 2nd Cup post without the occasional reference to WHAM!?

I'm abridging these lyrics because basically, they're the same throughout the song. But the odd stanza about friends with tired eyes and souls of ice grabs the old ticker, especially with the irreverent use of God's name thrown into a Christmas song. Way to go, George. (Not Crow. Although George Crow also happens to be named "George Michael.") And I have always maintained that the 3rd line should read, "But the very next day, you tore it apart." Better, yes?

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you
And your soul of ice
My god I thought you were
Someone to rely on
Me?
I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

6. Happy Christmas (War is Over) - by John Lennon.
Great. A hippie song for Christmas. Oh, OK, peace on Earth and goodwill toward men; I get it. I'm just not a huge Lennon fan. What starts ostensibly as a happy melody gets quickly dampened by these lyrics:

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

Yikes, John. You have to bring fear into a Christmas song? And the first two lines sound like my mom after I ripped the wrapping paper for a peek when I was a kid: "What have you done??!!" You gotta be careful when you copy lyrics. One version of this said, "The near and the dim ones."

5. Blue Christmas - Elvis and the back-up "owl" quartet with the "oooh oooh, oooh oooh" skilz.

I'll have a Blue Christmas without you
I'll be so blue thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won't be the same dear, if you're not here with me

And when those blue snowflakes start fallin'
That's when those blue memories start callin'
You'll be doin' all right, with your Christmas of white
But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

We get it. BLUE. Blue, blue, blue Christmas [insert owl hoot].

4.I'll Be Home for Christmas - various artists

This one also starts out OK but quickly deteriorates into a sarcastic "dream on" in the mind of the listener.

I'm dreamin' tonight of a place I love
Even more then I usually do
And although I know it's a long road back
I promise you

I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents under the tree
Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light beams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
If only in my dreams

"So what you're saying is, you want me to go to all the trouble of arranging snow and mistletoe, but you don't know if you can actually make it. Well that's just great."

3. Please Come Home for Christmas - The Eagles

Nothing like begging someone not to roam to bring on the warm Christmas fuzzies. And somehow "sorrow, grief and pain" are not conducive to egg nogg drinking. At least not Baptist egg nogg.

Bells will be ringing this sad sad New Years
Oh what a Christmas to have the blues
My baby's gone I have no friends
To wish me greetings once again
Cries will be singing Silent Night
Christmas carols by candlelight
Please come home for Christmas
Please come home for Christmas
If not for Christmas by New Years night
Friends and relations send salutations
Sure as the stars shine above
But this is Christmas yes Christmas my dear
The time of year to be with the ones you love
So won't you tell me you'll never more roam
Christmas and new Years will find you home
There'll be no more sorrow no grief and pain
And I'll be happy, happy once again
Oh there'll be no more sorrow, no grief and pain
And I'll be happy, Christmas once again



2. And here's one I had never heard until this week: Roy Orbison singing, "Pretty Paper." Like some others, this one starts off in a haze of sepia sentimentality which quickly turns to an oppressive, guilt-inducing fog by the 2nd stanza. If you make it past the 3rd stanza without doubling over in remorse, then your heart is 2 sizes too small, like the Grinch.

Pretty paper, pretty ribbons of blue
Wrap your presents to your darling from you
Pretty pencils to write “I love you”
Pretty paper, pretty ribbons of blue

Crowded street, busy feet hustle by him
Downtown shoppers, Christmas is nigh
There he sits all alone on the sidewalk
Hoping that you won’t pass him by

Should you stop? Better not, much too busy
You’re in a hurry, my how time does fly
In the distance the ringing of laughter
And in the midst of the laughter he cries

Pretty paper, pretty ribbons of blue
Wrap your presents to your darling from you
Pretty pencils to write “I love you”
Pretty paper, pretty ribbons of blue

And if you think lyrics about ignoring a homeless man are sad, the melody is even more morose.

But the Number One Saddest Christmas Song Ever: The Christmas Shoes recorded by several artists, but the one I've heard is by Newsong.

No, the Christmas shoes do not look like the snazzy one in this picture. These are "Come to Jesus" shoes. A little boy wants his mom to look nice in case she passes away that night.

Part of my problem with this song is that I do not like story songs in the tradition of the worst song ever: Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. My other problem is that listening to it on Youtube just made me want to drop my forehead on the computer desk and cry until I warped the fake wood. I can't imagine slipping this song in between Joy to the World and Frosty the Snowman. It's torturous on many levels. I do have a heart, but I dislike story songs immensely. (Kind of like musicals.)

It was almost Christmas time
There I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two
Not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing around like little boys do
And in his hands he held
A pair of shoes

And his clothes were worn and old
He was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.

He counted pennies for what seem like years
And cashier says son there's not enough here
He searched his pockets franticly
And he turned and he looked at me
He said Momma made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir
What am I gonna do?
Some how I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I layed the money down
I just had to help him out
And I'll never forget
The look on his face
When he said Momma's gonna look so great.

Sir I wanna buy these shoes, for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful,
If Momma meets Jesus tonight.

I knew I caught a glimpse of heavens love as he thanked me and ran out.
I know that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight

I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight

OK, these are my nominations. Do you know any sad Christmas songs?

PS: Where's the non-Baptist egg nogg?