Thursday 13: When The Spouse Travels

Observations, good and bad, about when my spouse travels.

Good:

1. You can eat out of styrofoam bowls with plastic sporks all week long if you want to avoid dirty dishes. (If you want to avoid dirty dishes?)

2. You can get in and out of your vehicle without adjusting the seat and mirror each time. Ditto on the shower head.

3. There is no one to mock you for watching "The Bachelorette Tells All on the After-the-Rose-Jump-Hug Ceremony" or other quality reality shows.

4. Personal hygiene and maintenance of all sorts is an option, not a requirement.

5. You can decide to see a chick flick on a Tuesday night with a friend just because you want to without feeling guilty. Skippy doodles!

Bad:

6. There is no one upon whom to place your icy feet at night.

7. Your coffee doesn't make and walk itself to you each morning.

8. When you bemoan, "I can't wait for Kristin to come home from cross country camp because I miss her so much I went into her room and the tiny little pile of p.j.'s she left on the floor just broke my heart and I'm so sorry I've ever said a cross word to her in her entire life because she is the best, sweetest girl in the world" no one commiserates with you.

9. Your dog mopes around because your spouse, her favorite, is gone. This is both pathetic and a real honk off at the same time.

10. When you work on a draft for a column, no one feigns interest the way you are accustomed to.

11. He takes the book you're reading with him.

12. He is in Florida, and you're not.

13. You find yourself singing weird songs like, "Bluer Than Blue," and "Ain't No Sunshine When (s)He's Gone."

With apologies to Bill Withers (And I sound just like him when I sing this version):

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone.
I set the alarm when he's away.
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
So I'm singing this bluesy song
And my readers have to pay.

Wonder who will mow the lawn.
Wonder which bills I should pay.
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
And these cookies won't last long
anytime he goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know

Hey, I could just pick up that phone,
But ain't no sunshine when he's gone.